How do we kill our ego....

And make HIM the Center of our being?

Lately, I have been reading a lot about becoming Centered. Not the new age centered, the Christ centered way of life. Boy is it hard. It is not as easy as it seems. We must kill our ego, we must strive for all of oh so many virtues and we must put who we are aside and allow HIM to work within our being. Sounds easy, eh? Have you tried it? Well, I have, and still am. And I realized just how angry a person I am. (Boy do I hate to admit that one!) And I realized that ego fills me up...especially with my family. When my ego is hurt, pride takes over and I puss about like a spoiled, silent, grudge holding hoosenarflump!!!

I realized, my prayer life, really isn't a prayer life...it's the lazy mans way out. Oh, to be faithful like the Saints who have gone before us. I do not have leather knees. I use pillows, WHEN I get down on the floor. Yup...I am not faithful in bowing before our Lord....Another thing I hate to admit!

This goes deeper than what the psychologists would suggest about finding out about self. It is asking God to show us who we are. Boy...and I thought I was a nice person. Seems, I am not so nice. Seems, though I never saw myself as this, I am rather competitive in certain areas. Not with friends...with Myself!!!! How can that be??? It can be! Trust me!

I learned that my past is still in my present...whodda thunk it? I thought I forgave everyone. Apparently I haven't, as I take it out on my hubby. Or atleast that is what it appears I do.

Every time I try to fix the damage I caused, I get angrier...so I hand it to God...Nope, I THINK I hand it to God. Everytime I get a revelation...I dwell on it for a long time...then poof...one day it is gone from my head.

Seems I am quite low on the totem poll as far as getting to know who I really am is concerned. Seems it is true, we must love ourselves before we can love others...which I always thought was a load of hogwash. It is much easier for me to love others than myself, though I do not lack 100% in confidence. Yes, I will give anyone anything they need, and run...but for myself...the last in line...and then I whine about it sometimes. No, that is NOT what God wants from us. He wants us to be selfless, without ANY whining whatsoever.

So, how do we kill our egos? I try constantly to hand it to God. So, I know during my chastisement, when all hell breaks loose that He is teaching me something about myself...I...well, I still don't listen. And here we go again. Thinking...Well, What MORE do I have to learn!!??!! Seems this ole' broad has a lot more to learn than she can imagine.

I am curious. For those of you who are certainly faithful beyond my comprehension, how DO you kill your ego? How do you let it go? How do you understand when it happens, or like many other virtues, just one day you notice that you have changed. I have many things I can look back and say...WOW..THAT WAS ME???? But changing is not our saving Grace....it is changing and keeping heaven in our eyes all day and all night long, 24/7. It is asking God to wash our filthy eyes and mouths and repeatedly asking Him to give us HIS eyes to see ourselves, others, the world, etc...and repeatedly asking Him...teach us YOUR ways, not the world's ways, which are so confusing and lead so many astray.

This Truth Seeking business is not easy, that is for sure. I do not agree that it is blind faith and no more. I think God is begging us to work so hard at it that we get dizzy. Well, I am dizzy!!! Sometimes it is like being stuck in the middle of an intriquite labrynth. Which way to turn. Signs stating go this way, it will feed you, signs saying go that way, it will uplift you, signs saying go back where you came from, it is easier, signs that say, give up...die in here, you will never find the door anyways. Well, I refuse to give up. But I would love to know....how the heck do we kill our ego....???? Especially when we really believe..."Ego? Me??? No way!!!"